Tuesday, February 28, 2012

How Not To Die

Okay, I figure that you are reading this because you don't want to die. Or you do want to die and don't want to make a mistake and live. I hear you. (see end note) Anyhow, if you follow this 13,562 step plan, you are ensured to never run into any risks on the trail. The reason being that you won't ever make it to the trail.

How Not To Die Step One
Know what your thingymabobs do when they are seeking attention. In other words, learn CPR and then take a wilderness first responder course. Knowing how your body works is invaluable when you're out on your own. Did you know that some dislocations, while easily fixed, need immediate attention? The way arteries run through limbs make some dislocations more critical than others. And for the most part, dislocations are easy to fix. Learn how! While you're at it, learn which internal organs you need and which you can ignore.


How Not To Die Step Two
Bug out when the going gets morbid. Alright, so we know you're a tough guy. After all, you're out in the wilderness miles and miles from any help whatsoever (except for those three hikers right there, oh and that ranger who just drove up), with no communication devices (cell phone, ham radio, sat-phone, satellite beacon), no way to tell where you are (compass, full color topographical map, GPS unit, trail guide) atop one of the tallest and meanest mountains in the world (Clingmans Dome at 6,643 feet - don't miss the information center), and nothing but sheer wit and brawn. But even though you will brave these most dangerous of conditions, be sensible. Climbing to the top of Katahdin in a raging thunderstorm to impersonate Captain Shakespeare isn't the brightest of ideas. Nor is it wise to imitate the Black Knight and walk until your limbs fall off. So when the going gets morbid, run to a bar for cover. And for beer. Buy me one?

Remember Step One when you are determining how to implement Step Two. First responder knowledge will help you make the decision whether someone (you? never!) needs immediate evacuation for an internal injury or if he can walk it off. (What, are you a petunia? Walk it off!)

How Not To Die Step Three
Don't listen to me. Really. If I tell you to do one thing, I assure you that the correct action is the complete opposite. I use this rule all the time. I never listen to myself because I am always wrong.

How Note To Die Step Four
. . .

How Not To Die Step Thirteen Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty-Two
Profit!

(Did it work? Checking bank account . . . darn.)

Meriadoc the Mendicant

End note: Since this is going out on the big bad Intertubes, I feel obligated to state that while I have a mordant and morbid sense of humor, there's no such thing as not living. Don't do it. Trust me.

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